Letter to my Years

[This will begin at the start of my disordered behaviors]

Dear 8-year-old Chrissy,

I want you to know you're not alone. You don't have to keep quiet. You're right in feeling that what you're thinking and doing isn't normal but that doesn't mean it's not real. There are real words for what you're experiencing, and sadly so many people feel it. I know you cry during the nurse's screenings, throw your lunch away before going to step on the scale there. You have a breakdown cursing yourself for your "love of chocolate" as the nurse furrows her brow and marks her pen on the left of the bmi chart. You learned in school that certain foods would make people fat which meant unhealthy and miserable. When your mother picked you up to go to gymnastics you'd scarf down everything you could fit in your tiny child's hands because you could only eat what you wanted if you exercised. But the hours you spent in the mirrors at practice, grabbing what you thought was fat and just feeling oh so ashamed to the point where you began drinking green tea nightly, and swapping out your favorite foods. You are not fat, but more importantly, you are not shallow for your obsessions. You need to eat, my dear. Food is good for your soul, I promise.You're allowed to eat whatever you're hungry for and not wait until you can get rid of it through exercise. You always have someone to talk to about this, please tell someone.

Dear 9-year-old Chrissy,
More and more you feel like you don't own your brain. You have a perfect life and are full of light and joy, so why do you feel so ashamed of being you? OCD that you aren't aware you have controls your walking, touching, and breathing, you yearn for a way to silence it. At camp you lean back on the dining benches to get an ab workout instead of/while eating and churn with anxiety over your body. A cabin mate calls you small and your jaw drops at how blind they must be, but still you blush with pride. Perhaps that's how you find solace. In achieving perfect grades you fear failure, and friends will leave, but smallness you can control and perhaps the urges to do every odd compulsion will slow.. Your mommy and daddy love you so much that when they see you eating less, they get scared. It's like they can see the future coming. You complain of an aching stomach, unconsciously sucking in as if it was on autopilot. Your mother's heart sinks and you don't know what you did wrong. After she tells you what eating disorders are, you promise her you'll never do that, but the word anorexia sends an oxymoronic warm chill up your spine. It leeches into your brain, but you're not allowed to tell anyone. Chrissy, you have too much potential to hide this pain.

Dear 10-year-old Chrissy,
You're "better' you say. You love chocolate and eat it all the time! You go to dinner and eat food until you're full so what's the problem? You think it's normal to hide in the bathroom at friend's houses wishing you could just peel your stomach off, cursing yourself for eating at all. You feel sick and dizzy from thinking about your shape and size, and just wish you could unravel like a ribbon. You know you're happy, but don't know why it's so hard to keep it that way. You go from being vegetarian to eating low sugar to eating low fat, until you just give up and go back to eating and loathing yourself for simply nourishing your body and mind. I promise you that there is a way out of this endless cycle, and that you can reach out. And for a while things actually do get better.

Dear 11-year-old Chrissy,
I'm so sorry things are going downhill as soon as you thought they were changing. You put up the facade of loving food although you know you wish it didn't have to taste good. You tell people you're "addicted" to chocolate, so that they don't worry about your rigid exercise routine you perform in your bedroom after school. You claim you want abs, but you find ribs enticing. You quit meat for good (although because of your unhealthy intentions, you'll "slip up" two or three times), and have declared sugar a "treat" to be used sparingly. The late night bouts of despair and depression from a day of anxiety lead to you finding comfort in the deep dark trap of "ana" media. Websites, forums, instagram pages, you name it. You know people check your accounts, so instead of following, you write down the usernames and hashtags so you can replace food with thinspiration. You swallow every calorie counter to satiate your need for nourishment. Nobody knows about this until your "friend" suggests it's good for you. You compete with her to shrink yourself, but make it your life mission to be the thinner one, though you're nearly identical. You track bmi and read those charts like a Bible. My dear, I have so much compassion for you. Please don't let this web addiction swallow you whole.

Dear 12-year-old Chrissy,
Where do I begin? You wanted hunger to take away all the pain but instead it made everything worse. Alas, there you lie on a deathbed or rather your parents bed, not sure if it's really you there. You are rotting from the inside out, and feel life slipping through you. You try to grasp it but this "Ana" pulls you back.  It physically hurts to speak and move. Your heart finally quits and when you regain consciousness you gasp for anything to keep you alive even if it means food. Your body quits on you again until you appear in a psychiatric hospital where you're told you would've died within hours or days. You're awake enough that "Ana" is present to scold you for eating and shame you for surviving. But, the piece of you left knows that you don't want Dad to plan your funeral and you don't want Mom to explain this to Katie. The stay in the hospital changes your life by saving it, but also creating traumatic memories balanced out by the most amazing friends.
Christina, I'm sorry your adolescence will be defined by survival.

Dear 13-year-old Chrissy,
Stripped of your coping skills, you remember why you wanted to eat less in the first place. Self harm seems to be your only way to manage, and many times you contemplate death. You wish you would've died when you tried to kill yourself outside of COPE, but now is your chance to succeed in suicide. The darkness hugs you and consumes you. Anxiety and OCD riddle you with suffering and you begin to recall tragic memories you didn't know you suppressed. You'd give anything to be as hungry as you were before. Despite all this, I still can guarantee that there is a light coming soon.

Dear 14-year-old Chrissy,
You end middle school with a bang of happiness and finally feeling hopeful. You know that there is hope ahead and feel free to carry on, but the demon of self destruction stirs inside you. When high school comes, you grow nostalgic from the depression of the morning and throwing food away.  You grow increasingly anxious trying to recover and relapse simultaneously. When people catch on to you starving, you begin to experiment with eating normally and vomiting. You make homemade diet pills to swallow at lunch when no one's looking, and feel inferior to everyone around you. You grow tired daily and can't fathom ever confessing to your feelings. Bullies make things worse as you scream for a way out.

Dear 15-year-old Chrissy,
Hope was found in cyber school, but it couldn't end your self hate. You unmask your struggle and are admitted to residential treatment. You meet a life changing dietitian and quit restricting and purging and agree to take care of yourself to help take care of your mom. You begin to see the bright side once more but you know this isn't the finale. You think you can healthily lose weight and safely become underweight again while recovering, but nonetheless you maintain a positive mindset.

Dear 16-year-old Chrissy,
What a whirlwind. You relapse to the point you were 4 years ago but feel it's not the same because your bmi isn't the same. You love the thrill of hunger and go back to purging only as a last resort, but it catches up to you. You wind up in the ER, and are admitted to ironically the COPE partial program. When they tell you to go inpatient for a feeding tube after kicking you out, you grasp the motivation to do anything but. In a short few months, you commit to recovery for good and are finally living and thriving. Finally channeling everything you feel into creating music, you feel hope for your future. You are fighting like hell, but it's paying off.
I can't wait to see what 17 brings.

Myths About Intuitive Eating

So you think you know intuitive eating?

Chances are that even if you didn't 2 years ago, you've now heard of intuitive eating. But your idea of it may be very different depending on if you heard of it from a dietitian, a blogger, or a diet culture program appropriating the term. 

Because it can cause so much worry, confusion, and is surrounded with myths, I'll be busting some of those here!

Disclaimer: I am not a registered dietitian, not a psychologist, not educated in intuitive eating. My only experience is working with an intuitive eating RD.

So, myths

1. Eating intuitively is an excuse to eat unhealthily- yes and no. While intuitive eating does allow you to eat traditionally "unhealthy foods", it's more about allowing yourself to have those foods while changing your perception. Instead of feeling shamed about eating things that can only be eaten during cheat days, in binges, or if earned or forced, it teaches you to trust yourself and relearn that it's NOT bad food. There is no good or bad foods, none are off limits, and all are healthy in various ways. So it's not an excuse to eat what diet culture labels "bad", but rather permission. Plus, when you listen to hunger signals, cravings, and use your brain to make choices about what's most nourishing, you'll find that the desire for these formerly "forbidden" foods slows down and other cravings will play in.
2. It's the same as the "hunger-fullness" diet- This follows the same thing that assuming intuitive eating is a diet which it isn't, but it commonly gets mistaken for the hunger and fullness diet. The hunger and fullness diet permits you to eat only when hungry, stop when full, and not eat until hungry again. That's not intuitive, because IE allows you to listen to more than just physical hunger. It incorporates mental hunger cues, rational thinking, and socialization. For example, you may not be hungry in which the hunger and fullness diet would make everything off limits, but intuitive eating may tell you that Panera sounds great for lunch, or that you have a big day ahead so you want to eat a lipid and protein dense snack, or even that it's your friend's birthday so cake would be fun. It incorporates your INTUITION into everything hence the name.
3. It will change your weight- Some people gain weight, some people lose weight, some people maintain, but most people do all 3 throughout life. If you have lost weight from unhealthy behaviors, chances are normalizing your eating may make you gain weight, however that isn't always the case. Same goes for gaining weight unhealthily, you may lose weight through IE, but again, not always the case. And it applies to maintaining. It also will allow your body to reach it's natural weight (read here about set point weight theory: http://followtheintuition.com/diets-do-not-work-set-point-weight-works/ ), which is ever-changing! It makes sense that our bodies don't come pre-installed with a bmi chart programming and calories-in vs calories-out calculator. If we were that simple, we'd be robots. Weight and healthy weight is constantly ebbing and flowing so if intuitive eating does or doesn't change your weight, there is nothing wrong with you, in fact you're just allowing your body to be.
4. Intuitive Eating is a fad/trend- While it has become more openly discussed, when you think about it, it's quite the opposite. In fact intuitive eating outstands even the "paleolithic" diet if put on a timeline. Mainly because it's not really a diet, but also because it has existed since humanity. It is just following the natural instincts we're all born with and observe in kids. The only rule is "no rules" and anti diet :)
5. Eating disorders shouldn't be treated with intuitive eating guidance- I actually agree with this to an extent. Early stages of eating disorders especially ones that drastically affect the amount or types of food you eat might not respond to intuitive eating. If your hunger signals aren't aligned, your disorder changes your perception of food, and your health is at risk baby steps definitely should be advised by a dietitian, physician, or other professional. But for people who have disordered eating (not quite a full blown disorder) or have restored hunger signals and perception, it can be a freeing step. No more restriction, no more binging, peace with all foods- it sounds like a recovered utopia. Whatever your disordered behavior is, intuitive eating can be a step to freeing yourself. It is different for everyone, because everyone is different.

If I find any more to respond to, I'll update here, but other than that, eat your kale AND your cake (or whatever the heck makes you happy!)

Is the term "atypical anorexia" fatphobic?

Disclaimer: I have not been diagnosed with atypical anorexia, however I have suffered while meeting that criteria before. Still, my experiences may not be the same and I may not experience it to the severity of those diagnosed with atypical anorexia.
Also, if you're comfortable with your diagnosis of atypical anorexia, that's okay! This post addresses the issue of people who are uncomfortable with it and it may not be for you!

I don't think there's a single person who hasn't connected anorexia with thinness. Thinness of all levels may it be slim, svelte, emaciated, boney etc, it's a connection many people with and without eating disorders make. After all the  DSM 5 definition of anorexia is


 "According to the DSM-5 criteria, to be diagnosed as having Anorexia Nervosa a person must display:

• Persistent restriction of energy intake leading to significantly low body weight (in context of what is minimally expected for age, sex, developmental trajectory, and physical health) .
• Either an intense fear of gaining weight or of becoming fat, or persistent behaviour that interferes with weight gain (even though significantly low weight).
• Disturbance in the way one's body weight or shape is experienced, undue influence of body shape and weight on self-evaluation, or persistent lack of recognition of the seriousness of the current low body weight."

(Credit to eatingdisorders.org.au)



However, the general definition is (copy and pasted from a general dictionary):
an·o·rex·i·a

ˌanəˈreksēə/

noun

1. 
   
2. 
   
3. a lack or loss of appetite for food (as a medical condition).

   • an emotional disorder characterized by an obsessive desire to lose weight by refusing to eat.

     noun: anorexia nervosa; plural noun: anorexia nervosas
   • 
     
   • 
     
   •  Both seem to meet the general consensus that anorexia is a pathological desire to lose weight/fear of gaining weight and an intense effect on intake. Naturally one would trust the DSM since it is considered a psychiatric bible, however the DSM 5th edition was established in 2013, which may not seem all that long ago, however in that same edition, atypical anorexia was categorized under EDNOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified), showing a significant rise in people diagnosed with that subtype of EDNOS.

   
   
4. Since we're getting into definitions, let pull up the DSM 5 and a general dictionary definition of atypical anorexia.

DSM5: "According to the diagnostic criteria for anorexia nervosa from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), individuals struggling with this disorder will have a restriction of energy intake relative to their caloric requirement, which leads to a significantly low body weight in the context of several factors, including gender, physical health, age, developmental trajectory, and more. Other criterion includes an intense fear of gaining weight and/or becoming fat as well as disturbance in body perception." (credit to eatingdisorderhope.com)

Here is the general definition: meeting all of the symptoms of Anorexia with weight at or above normal range

Alright, so now we have our English lesson for the day. 

Let's time travel back to 4th grade and create a venn diagram of similarities and differences for anorexia nervosa and atypical anorexia.

I apologize if it's difficult to see. 

But, let's get into the point I am trying to make.

In recovery from anorexia nervosa, people are told that they need to gain weight and that is the most important step in recovery. To be admitted into treatment, most people either need to meet a certain BMI or are put on a list based off of their "need". Unfortunately, most people seen as most in need are people whose weight is extremely low. Now, of course people with those weights desperately need treatment, but by placing that as importance, it leaves many people who even are underweight but not at the lowest ranking, as well as normal weight or overweight people in a waiting game. 

The official diagnosis of atypical anorexia has been described as soul crushing and even triggering.

Think about it. The majority of people with anorexia have weight loss as a primary goal and thinness as the only thing that matters. The pain of accompanying mental illness, extreme isolation, wishing you were dead, are only seem worthwhile by this numerical ideal. By telling someone that they are anorexic but not thin enough to be deemed actually anorexic is heard as "you failed at your pain" or "wow your situation is so atypical- no anorexics are fat". While of course that's not what anyone means to say, eating disorder professionals should know that the way a disordered brain works isn't rational.

Let's take the case of Jacqui Valdez for example. She had lost weight, rotted her teeth, had chronically low blood pressure, and numerous other complications, and she finally sought help after years of despair. She was then told that she was not at a low enough body weight for hospitalization she would otherwise need immediately. This only fueled Valdez's illness as she wanted help and to get it she'd need to lose weight, exactly doing what her illness thrives off of sending her into an even deeper and worse place. Valdez was lucky enough to recover, but so many in her situation continue to lose weight, and since they don't have access to help, they aren't protected from further spiraling, and eventually lose the desire to recover, especially if they've hit their goal weight or finally qualify for the dream of an anorexia diagnosis.

We need to stop the rhetoric that "real" anorexia is the goal for proper treatment. Not only does it idealize an unhealthy body type for people deeply ill, it also perpetuates the message that fat people are less worthy or can't possibly have restricted or been truly ill. It also leaves healthy weighted people in the dust. Their anorexia fortunately isn't necessarily seen as the laughing stock that it is in overweight individuals, but it is seen to be more of a diet or phase compared to their underweight counterparts. 

I never would have thought that being diagnosed with anorexia was a privilege. At 12 years old I was on my deathbed and despite my opinion, considered extremely underweight. I had first priority by doctors and treatment teams. It could very well have been to the heart and blood complications paired, but after talking with a few friends, specifically one person who was overweight throughout their entire anorexia, they faced similar medical complications but was told that it must be something else. They had lost their period, had heart palpations, fainting spells, and felt physically close to death, but remained determined to reach a lower weight to qualify for the help they barely even wanted anymore. They wanted to be anorexic and have that as a diagnosis to finally feel worthwhile of treatment. I was no more or less important but because of my bmi I was seen as ill while they were seen as fine, even a binge eater. 

By saying that to qualify for anorexia we need to be emaciated and/or thin it continues the stereotype that eating disorders are visible and more of a physical illness. It continues the fear that sufferers have that if they reach a healthy weight their struggle is no longer valid. It continues the fatphobic message that fat people aren't deserving of compassionate healthcare or eating disorder visibility.

Emaciated anorexics exist. Thin anorexics exist. Toned or muscular anorexics exist. Quote unquote "normal" anorexics exist. Curvy anorexics exist. Fat anorexics exist. 

And if you still insist that all but two of those should have atypical placed in front, you cannot deny that anorexic still follows. 

You are certainly entitled to your opinion of whether it should be called atypical enough, you have to remember that 17% of eating disorder suicides are considered "atypical anorexic" (ncbi).

Maybe calling the term atypical anorexia fatphobic is a stretch, but it certainly doesn't do any good for people with anorexia or atypical anorexia.

Atypical anorexia is still anorexia, and considering the only differences are body weight and DSM definitions, it is a sad reflection of our society's view on eating disorders and the perpetuation that eating disorders are about body image and weight when ironically the goal of treatment is to get out of that.

I don't know about anyone else, but I'm sick of seeing so many people with atypical anorexia push themselves towards death just to feel validated.

Is Your Relapse Account Pro-Ana?

All over social media disclaimers such as"pro recovery" "not pro ana" and "trigger warning" grace the accounts of people deep into an eating disorder and/or self harm. It seems innocent enough, right? I mean they're saying they support people in recovery and they don't want people to be triggered.

Yeah, I thought that too. From my years on the internet whether it be "ed twitter/instagram", or specific sites and forums, I thought that since I claimed to be pro recovery there's no way I could be doing anything harmful to my self or others. I'm simply venting and looking for community.

The rise of pro ana started when internet sites would post specific tips, or thinspo and was seen as urging people to develop eating disorders- mainly anorexia (with bulimia as well) as a lifestyle and tell them it's not an illness. A lot of those websites were quickly shut down, but the trend didn't die. All over social media, people changed the #thinspo to #thinspoo or #ana to #anna. But when that proved to not resolve the issue, trigger warnings were used and it seems there is nothing to do about the issue.

Nowadays finding true pro-ana material with slandering paragraphs and promotion of anorexia seems to be scarce, however material just as triggering is more accessible than ever.

An almost cult like group of people gather on social media to post body checks, thinspo, talk about their illness, and complain about being forced to eat. But, because they put "pro recovery, just not in it" in their bios, they are seen as okay to follow.

Now, before I go into my full blown "dear 'not pro ana' rant", I want to make a disclaimer. I was very much one of these pro ana social media users. It was risky, addicting, and triggering in all the ways eating disorders love. I used those words to make it seem as though I was trying to recover and just relapsing. I would track my calories and post results innocently thinking that it was too high to trigger anyone. I'd talk about goal weights, and how much I hate myself, and why I need to lose weight, thinking in some twisted way it would help others be scared into recovery. I claimed to be pro recovery, but my actions said pro ana.

So here we go.

Dear "Not Pro Ana" Users,

I have compassion for you. You're hurting. You're suffering. You feel like no matter what you're doomed to live in an "unsuccessful" eating disorder. I believe you are worthy of help and happiness.
But, what you do is NOT okay.
The things you post, your usernames, your diets, your bonespo, everything on your account is beyond detrimental to yourself and others. The saddest part is- you know it.
If it wasn't triggering, you wouldn't post it because you use this account to be triggered.
If you really didn't want other people to see it you wouldn't post it.
You may be one of those people who truly think that no one is impacted by your actions, in that case, I'm glad you're reading this.
Private account or not, people can gain access to it so easily. When you say you ate X calories you think you're venting. But that becomes someone else's new goal or competition. When you accompany that by saying you're fat or out of control, that will lead others to think that if they eat that, they're fat or out of control.
When you see someone post that they're fasting and your comment is "be safe dearie xo", that's (maybe unintentionally) saying "I know that's unhealthy but I condone it and don't want to get in trouble"
You post bonespo and thinspo thinking it'll motivate you and only you. But when you know there's a so called community of people with the same thoughts you have, you think they'll see it any differently? They won't.
Your accounts are one of the pieces that send people including myself back into the normalization and rationalization of their own relapse. It sparks competition. For me personally I see it and think "well if they can lose weight and starve themselves and still be pro recovery so can I".
If you are openly not recovering and continuing to talk about your "diet uwu" and posting thinspo even if it is "just for you", you are acknowledging that you're engaging in behaviors others with your illness will see.
This isn't a bash on you, because you are a perfectly made person and deserving of recovery, but this is a callout on your lack of responsibility for treating this illness seriously and glamorizing it. You may think you don't do this, but do you ever see cancer accounts? Diabetes accounts? Osteoporosis accounts? No, maybe you see online communities or even recovery accounts dedicated to support and moving forward, but that's exactly the point. You don't see someone with stage 3 breast cancer saying "skipping chemo today it makes me feel terrible, but still pro chemo!" or someone with diabetes posting a picture of a missing leg saying "this is why i avoid insulin...but you shouldn't". If you're not actively promoting recovery including your own, you're inherently promoting illness.
You can slather "pro recovery" and "trigger warning", but it doesn't keep you liable or block you from being responsible for engaging with others in suicide and torture.

With (tough) love,
Someone recovering

If you see yourself but not sure in that note I want to address a list of points that may show you're a "hidden pro ana":

• - You have said you're not in recovery, despite saying pro recovery
• - You engage in dieting and have posted about it even just once
• - You post, like, share, or engage in thinspo
• - You have mentioned "ed culture" or "ed communities" light-heartedly
• - You complain about having to hide behaviors
• - You have multiple trigger warnings, fully knowing no one uses those warnings
• - You have defended yourself by saying you're not pro ana
• - You've said you don't encourage eating disorders, even though you have called bones beautiful
• - You publicly track weight/calories/other
• - You would be in trouble if someone found your account
• - You've had to defend yourself and claim your account is just for venting
• - You don't think you have an illness
• - You are publicly defensive online about eating disorders
• - You'd be concerned if someone close to you had a similar account
• - You find your internet profile helps motivate you to lose weight/restrict/purge

Of course those are just a few of the telltale warning signs, however if any of those apply to you and you do not wish to be unintentionally glamorizing eating disorders, here's a list of things you can do.

• - First and foremost, delete it. Shut it down. You could just log off, but deleting it limits others finding it and temptation to return
• - Invest in a journal. The need to vent is natural and necessary to wellbeing. Having a journal will not let your potentially triggering behaviors and thoughts be accessible to others
• - Seek professional help. Here is a treatment locator: https://www.edreferral.com/treatment
• - If you cannot afford or find professional help, see my link to online help both free and paid: http://reoverybrain.blogspot.com/p/finding-help.html
• - Apologize to your followers or others hurt by your internet activity. Of course you can always apologize, but it won't mean anything until you undo your account and posts
• - If having an online support is important, try out a recovery oriented account. Here are my do's and don't's of recovery accounts: https://reoverybrain.blogspot.com/2017/11/my-dos-and-donts-of-internet-recovery.html
• - Forgive yourself. Being in these communities is really enticing and can become addicting even, especially when they're masqueraded as pro recovery. You are only human, give yourself a break.
• - When you find the urge to recreate an account, reach out to someone you trust to keep you accountable
• - Blocking and reporting "hidden pro ana" content can be really empowering
• - Let people know when you're concerned about their material. Don't be afraid to confront them, but be respectful.
• - If you truly don't want recovery, but you claim to be "pro recovery" stay the heck off the internet. That attitude is toxic and if you insist on continuing, stop calling yourself pro recovery to prevent luring in even more vulnerable people. You are pro ana if you insist on publishing suffering and relapse.

I could rant continuously, but in conclusion, I find "pro recovery" ana accounts to be even more harmful than straight up pro ana. The hypocrisy can be damaging to people in recovery. When you see pro recovery many assume it's a positive environment, but even just one click on "bonespo" or "abc diet tracker" can be enough set you and others back a step- even a leap.

Let's work together to keep the internet healthy and safe for everyone. No one deserves to suffer the temptation of internet eating disorders. 

My Do's and Don't's of Internet Recovery

Heyo!
So real quick I just want to say that this is my personal opinion and may not suit everyone, so if some of the do's aren't comfortable that's okay :)

Just make sure you're recovering and caring for yourself!

DO:

• set up safety nets to prevent relapse
• be open and honest
• follow recovery oriented accounts
• keep it positive and progress focused
• be your authentic self
• keep yourself accountable
• involve people who can safely support you
• share what makes you feel good
• take your time recovering
• allow yourself to take breaks
• post when you want even if it's 10 times a day or once every month
• step safely out of your comfort zone when you can
• report and/or block things that are triggering or uncomfortable
• whatever is comfortable and safe

DON'T:

• put weights or stats in your bio
• follow accounts that post thinspo or are not in recovery
• go into extreme detail about numbers or anything potentially triggering
• use hashtags that often contain triggering material
• post anything that isn't settling well with you
• feel obligated to let everyone in on it if you don't want to
• post thinspo, diets, or anything that may need clarification to deny it being pro-ed
• post anything that isn't clearly recovery focused
• fake your happiness or progress
• use the account if it makes you uncomfortable

Also, if you're accessing this via my post about pro ana accounts, I'm thrilled you're here and taking the step towards recovery❤ You can do this, my love!

Dysmorphia and Dysphoria: The Double Whammy of Body Image

Often times with an eating disorder, body dysmorphia (an unrealistic perception of one's body) occurs.
Often when you're not cisgender, dysphoria (disconnect from body and gender) occurs.

Then there are a lot of us who have both.

I am non-binary. I was assigned female at birth, and despite loving makeup, pastel goth clothes, and other traditionally feminine things- I am NOT a girl.

You could call me a demigirl, feminine agender, but at the end of the day, this is one of the few parts of my life where there isn't a steady label.

My pronouns are they/them/theirs, however when people I don't know well use she/her/hers, it's no big deal since the long existing concept of non binary identities is only now becoming more publicly known.

Now, I also have anorexia nervosa that brought along body dysmorphia.

From a young age, I always wondered if there was something other than girl or boy and how nice it would be. But what is it? How could I become that? Would I have to sacrifice my disney princesses to be that? Oh silly Christina, there's no such thing or else why would teachers say "okay, boys and girls", and why would doctors only tell your mommy and daddy that you'll either be a boy or girl?

I was raised to be the "young lady" my parents assumed I would become.
I felt so guilty (and still do) that the term of endearment of young lady made my stomach churn. I used to shrug it off but by the time I could articulate why it didn't fit, I wanted to scream "I'M NOT A LADY I'M JUST ME".

But seeing how my father smiled with joy talking about his "young lady" I couldn't bare to break his heart.

After all, how should either of my parents know? The doctors said I was a girl and I loved a good lipstick. Perhaps I'm exaggerating, maybe I just need to face the fact that I am and always will be a G-I-R-L.

The way my mother introduced my sister and I to her friends and co-workers as her "girls" or "daughters" had the same effect. Momma, I'm not your daughter I'm your child. But I smiled a squinty smile as the guilt set deeper into my chest.

Backing up a bit, doing competitive gymnastics was probably not the best thing to ease my dysphoria or eating disorder. For clarification, I wasn't diagnosed with anorexia until age 12, but it is clear as day to me now, how sick I was beginning around age 8. I will touch on the details of that later, but I wanted to change my body. After settling on the fact that since there's nothing other than boy or girl, I heard the message of what a girl was supposed to look like. I loved the idea of pretty hair and clothes, but even by the time I was 9 I knew that boobs and hips just weren't part of me and would freak out anytime a discussion occurred. Why can't I be girly without being a girl?

When the starvation become obvious, I was thrilled when people said that I wouldn't grow into a "woman's body". They'd say it with concern and hopes to scare me out of my weight obsession, but it only reminded me why I need to lose weight. Not only were bones an aesthetic I strived for, and the thrill of watching numbers fall, but now I wouldn't be obviously a girl. I could wear the feminine clothes I loved so much, without really being a woman. When you look like a child you're just that. If I stayed in a childlike body, perhaps no one would consider me to become a woman.
As if the obsession with being as underweight and sick in all other aspect weren't enough, I had another fear keeping me from wanting a healthy body.

Let's jump to my first hospitalization.

Periods made all the girls on the ward feel fat, and after years of "sex ed" (aka cis and heteronormative puberty and abstinence class) I learned that periods require a certain amount of fat for GIRLS to have. It was a woman's issue, which explained the panic attacks I had throughout my early life.

It was a "curvy woman's problem" and I wanted to be a thin person.

Thinking about the taboo topic made me feel fat and girly. It's so hush hush with pretty women on your TV holding flowery tampon boxes. Where's the (trans) men? Where's the non binary? Where are all these other genders that don't get to talk about this topic? Of course the majority of menstruating people are cis women, but just because all other people aren't majorities doesn't mean we shouldn't be seen.

I didn't want to hear about these cycles in recovery, it only pushed me further into relapse. The more people encouraged me to "become a woman", the more I wanted to make sure anorexia is what would kill me.

Now, at 16 years old, 2 inpatient stays, 1 php, and tons of outpatient later, I'm finally in a good place in recovery and hope it stays that way. I haven't engaged in many extreme behaviors since my last scare, but that doesn't mean my dysphoria or dysmorphia is gone.

Size wise, I never know what my body looks like. I feel to be at a size where I'm extremely displeased, but every time I look in the mirror it's like a mouse grew into an elephant, morphed into a whale, shape shifted into a cat etc.

And the dysphoria seems to be getting harder to manage, but easier to talk about. Having the terminology and vocabulary to describe my identity is a gift I feel blessed to have.


I can't stand that because of my sex and my expression that I'm seen as a girl, but I'm beginning to understand that what's important is that I know who I am and that this gender doesn't define me. What the world sees and thinks is constantly growing and changing, so maybe someday I will be seen as just Chrissy in a dress and not Chrissy the girl because they're in a dress. Maybe someday there will be a place for people of all genders and birth sexes to feel like they're valid and accepted. But for the mean time, I will focus on my mental health and knowing that this body doesn't define my gender and that I am what I am. As long as I accept myself, I am valid.

Recovery Thoughts

Welcome to recoverybrain.blogger.com

I wanted to call it recovery thoughts, but ya know, that was taken.

This is just a collection for my thoughts regarding my recovery from mental illnesses, but also includes other topics that affect my life.

I journal a lot, but I think just mindlessly typing what comes to my head is soothing.

Here are a few things I expect to write about:
-anorexia nervosa
-depression
-anxiety
-ocd
-ptsd
-paranoia
-gender identity
-asexuality
-social justice/politics
-travel
-family
-school
-music